


Blue Plate Special (2016)

by JennyB



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Crack, Gen, Passive-aggression, Revenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 02:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7022560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennyB/pseuds/JennyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hakkai didn't take kindly to being handed an ultimatum. Still, the ikkou never expected him to go quite to that extreme to deliver.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blue Plate Special (2016)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Caeseria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caeseria/gifts).



> Crack!fic inspired by a discussion at AN2016 about Hakkai, passive-aggression, and chicken strips - and nary a drop of alcohol was involved this time! Dedicated to my dear friend - I should thank you. The damned idea sparked my muses, and they wouldn't leave me alone. I wrote this bastard in one sitting. Go me!
> 
> Dear readers, as you read, bear in mind that even though I could actually see a situation like this actually happening, it's still just crack!fic. And, this is the first thing I've actually written and posted since 2013 - please excuse any rust that still needs to be shaken off.
> 
> Enjoy! ♥

It was not even mid-morning, and already the day was shaping up to be miserable. The sun beat down from a cloudless sky, making the temperatures unbearably hot. The humidity hung heavy in the air, clinging to everything like an oppressive blanket. There wasn't even enough of a breeze to ruffle the heat-scorched weeds that grew alongside the road. Inside the vehicle, things weren't much better. With little overhead cover, the ikkou had been relegated to wearing their travelling cloaks to stave off things like sunburn and heat stroke. Coupled with the mugginess, the dark fabric clung to sweat-dampened skin, making things even more uncomfortable for the passengers.

It had been like that for nearly two weeks. The area had been hit hard by a heat wave, and with food and water restrictions in place by the affected districts, it had been very difficult to replenish supplies. Not that there'd been much opportunity for that. The ikkou were travelling in a particularly isolated area with towns few and far between, and what 'civilization' they had found had been tiny hamlets of perhaps a half dozen farms, no local inn, no restaurants, and no real markets in which to buy. Some of the locals had willingly shared some of their stores with the group, insisting that the venerable Genjyo Sanzo take something, but a couple of pounds of dried meat and a few jars of pickled cabbage didn't stretch very far.

Sanzo had been particularly tetchy of late. Despite his repeated demands to keep going, Hakkai refused to push Hakuryuu for more than six hours a day, citing that the little dragon was being hit hardest what with having to haul the four of them and their gear around. Hakkai made a valid point, and in another time and place, Sanzo would have seen the logic in that. However, after two weeks of camping out under whatever scrub of trees Hakkai could find, reading and rereading the same newspaper, and being stuck out in the middle of nowhere under the hot sun, he was starting to lose all semblance of patience. Had the weather cooperated, they could have been through these badlands, in a town, and enjoying hot food and cold beer six days ago. As it was, he was looking at least another three days before they reached town.

Sanzo, however, wasn't the only one anxious to get on with it. Things between the group had been somewhat strained for the past while with everyone feeling a bit on edge, and as the morning wore on, temperatures began to rise - both literally and figuratively - inside the jeep. It had started with Goku and Gojyo getting into a shoving match in the backseat. Gojyo had claimed that Goku was encroaching on his half of the bench, making him feel hotter, while Goku had protested that he was on his half, and if the kappa didn't sit there like some sort of _two yuan gigolo_ with his legs spread wide and airing out his junk, their knees wouldn't touch in the middle. Hakkai had immediately demanded to know where Goku had picked up that particular turn of phrase, his question ignored as Gojyo told Goku that no one would pay even one yuan for a dickless monkey. And, to cap things off, when Hakkai had hit a pothole and Sanzo had spilled what remained of the very warm (and slightly questionable) beer down the front of himself, the Smith and Wesson had come out, several shots had been fired, and silence had descended.

A couple of miles passed, and then Hakkai, his gaze still focused on the road ahead, murmured, "Was that really necessary, Sanzo?"

Sanzo, who was in the process of reloading his gun, glanced sidelong at Hakkai. "Mind your own business, or the next one's yours." He snapped the cylinder closed, then pulled out the front of his cloak and made a face. "Tch. I smell like a fucking pisswater brewery now. You're washing this first opportunity you get."

Hakkai pressed his lips into a thin line as he passed the other a tight smile. "Of course."

Conversation was minimal after that. There was the odd grumble from the back about how hot it was, and every once in a while, someone would shift listlessly in his seat, but the drive was about as pleasant as could be expected under the circumstances. And then, as the sun reached its zenith, a voice wafted up from the back:

"I'm hungry."

"Tough shit."

"Screw you, Gojyo. I wasn't talking to you." Goku slumped petulantly against his seat and let his head hang over the back as he stared up at the sky. "Man, what I wouldn't give for a big sack of meat buns right now. Hell, I'd even take the cheapo plain ones. It'd be better than that crappy grass soup Hakkai's been making us eat."

Hakkai forced a small laugh. "Well, I know it's not ideal, but it is nutritious, and will keep you going."

Goku sat up and leaned forward, pressing his face into the opening between the front seats. "Yeah, but it _sucks_ , Hakkai! It tastes like ass."

Next to him, Gojyo sniggered. "You _would_ know what ass tastes like, you little butt pirate."

"Gojyo, that's highly inappropriate," Hakkai chided.

"Shut up, Gojyo," Goku responded over top of Hakkai, the words coming as if by rote, and then he pressed on. "Seriously. It's crappy, and I'm tired of eating it. Come on, we've gotta have _something_ else to eat in the packs. Or maybe if we drove on through the night, we'd get to town faster."

Hakkai's smile, along with the corners of his eyes, tightened. "I promise you, Goku, if I had other food - which I _don't_ \- I promise you, we'd have eaten it. It's a bad situation, I know, but I'm doing what I can to keep us fuelled and hydrated. And as I've already discussed with Sanzo, with this heat I'm not going to push Hakuryuu that hard. Even travelling at night, it's still been hot. That isn't fair to him."

Goku moaned as he sagged back. "You suck, Hakuryuu," he grumbled, though without any real malice behind his words. "Yeah, I get it. It just sucks. You usually take really good care of us, and the past couple of weeks, it's been rough. And I'm just so hungry!"

"The weather hasn't exactly been helpful, Goku. I'm trying to make-"

"And I'm _hungryyyyyyyyyy_!" Goku whined, interrupting Hakkai. "Just _something_! I've already sacrificed my mid-morning and mid-afternoon snacks, _and_ lunch, _and_ breakfast to eat one time a day on this crappy death march. Do you know how hard that's been?"

"I do appreciate the sacrifices you're making, Goku. And I promise I'll make it up to you. I'm just asking you to please be patient for just a little longer, okay?"

"And I’m asking _you_ to please not make grass soup! _Anything_ would be better!"

"I could take a dump on a plate; you want that?" Gojyo offered as he snickered and blew out a series of smoke rings.

"No! Go to hell, Gojyo! You're so gross!" Goku reached out and swatted Gojyo in the back of the head, hard. "You stupid kappa-brained dumbass!"

"What does that even mean, you little monkey shit?" With that, Gojyo shifted to pin Goku against the seat with his knee while he grabbed Goku's hand and shoved it in his face. "Stop hitting yourself! Stupid monkey. Stop hitting yourself!"

"Get off, Gojyo!"

"Enough!" Sanzo roared as he turned in his seat, the gun pointed at the two. "Sit the fuck down, and not another goddamned word, or you'll both be eating a fucking lead sandwich! How's that?" Furiously, Sanzo dropped himself back into his seat and turned his angry stare on Hakkai. "I don't give a fuck what you do, but you better do whatever the hell it takes to shut the monkey up, or _I'll_ shut him up and leave him to rot. I'm tired of listening to this bullshit." He turned his attention forward. "And for the record, Goku's not wrong. The grass soup is puke."

Hakkai's gaze narrowed slightly, but he kept his stare firmly on the road in front of him. "I see. This coming from the man who once told me that beer and cigarettes are food groups?" he remarked caustically.

"I hate to say it, 'Kai," Gojyo interjected, "but I have to agree with the monkey, too. The grub's been crap. It's like you're not even trying anymore. I know we've camped by streams, and in the trees, and seriously, all you can get is grass?" He laughed as he lit a cigarette. "You can't mix it up and make _stick soup_?"

From the passenger seat, Sanzo let out a quiet snort of amusement. Goku gaped at Gojyo for a moment, then laughed, jumping on the bandwagon. "Or condiments! You can't give us some soy sauce, or a bit of mustard to add some flavour?"

"You're supposed to be a healer, and an amateur herbalist. There's seriously nothing else out here? Even you have to admit it's been lame."

"There you have it," Sanzo said as he fished around for his cigarettes. "Make it happen. Or else."

Hakkai's eyes narrowed further as he listened to the bitchfest going on around him, the brilliant acid green sparking with unspoken fury when Sanzo handed down his ultimatum. His grasp tightened more and more on the steering wheel, though when he heard a soft _chuu_ from the engine compartment, he murmured a quiet apology and relaxed his hold. As a very plastic smile curved up the corners of Hakkai's lips, he said pleasantly, "Democracy in action. I guess it doesn't matter that we're days from town, and I have limited supplies; you've voiced your concerns. I promise you, I'll take care of it." The smile widened fractionally, and for the rest of the trip, Hakkai said nothing more.

They had been on the road for almost nine hours by the time Hakkai stopped near a large copse of trees. As soon as the gear had been offloaded, Hakuryuu sagged down beside a large oak, curled up, and immediately went to sleep. Despite his claims of not wanting to push Hakuryuu, Sanzo believed that this had been a passive-aggressive show of defiance on Hakkai's part to make a point. The little dragon did look like he'd been to hell and back, and while Sanzo still wanted to get the hell moving, he did feel a modicum of remorse for having suggested pushing the animal as hard as he'd wanted to. Grabbing his paper, he sat down on a fallen log close to where he assumed Hakkai would build the fire and opened it up. "Don't bother with the tent. Too hot."

Gojyo, now absolved of his task, pulled out a magazine and stretched out on his back close to Sanzo, and Goku set about gathering a small pile of wood for their campfire. Hakkai, as always, set up a quick lean-to to serve as his prep area, and organized his kitchen implements the way he wanted them. He lit the fire, glared once at his three companions who were lounging about in various states of relaxation, and then disappeared. A couple of hours later, Gojyo, who was now looking through Goku's _Teen Beat_ magazine, glanced up and noticed the campsite was eerily quiet. "Ne, you guys seen Hakkai lately?"

Sanzo glanced over the top of the magazine he'd borrowed off Gojyo. After reading the same newspaper at least a dozen times, he was desperate to read _anything_ different, even something as inane as Gojyo's rag. His eyes darted around the campsite, and he gave a blasé shrug as he flicked the ash off the end of his cigarette. "Beats me. Probably sulking somewhere." He glanced down at Goku, who was lying on his stomach near his feet, and filling in the crossword puzzle from Sanzo's paper. "Ne, dumbass, you have to solve the clues they give you. You don't get to just randomly write in whatever words you want."

"But I like doing it this way," Goku replied. "I'm writing in all the things I'm going to eat when we get to town. Hmm…five letters, third letter is 'n', last letter is 'u'. Um… _ponzu_!" He filled in the boxes, only to start slightly when the metal cooking grate was noisily banged down over the stones encircling the campfire. "Oh, hey Hakkai!" he greeted with a warm smile. "We were just wondering where you…were…" He trailed off when he saw the brunet wiping blood from his cheek and hands on a paper towel, a large amount of red already staining the cloth. "Did you cut yourself?"

Ignoring him, Hakkai walked back to his 'kitchen'. When he returned, the corners of his mouth were turned down as he set a stockpot containing the ubiquitous grass soup on the coals. He spared a single glance in Sanzo's direction, and then made a second trip to the lean-to. When he came back this time, he set a small aluminum foil packet and four meat quarters on the grill.

Now interested in what was going on, Goku sat up, his eyes going round and shining in anticipation. "Meat! Now _that's_ what I'm talking about! Oh man, this is going to be great! You're like, the total _best_ , Hakkai!"

"Please don't, Goku. I'm really not in the mood."

"O-okay," Goku replied as he glanced at Sanzo, his brow furrowed in confusion, and then he shrugged it off. "Still, it smells good!"

Crouching down, Hakkai took out some of his spice jars and liberally sprinkled the seasonings over the meat. "I promised you all I would take care of it, and I have. That's really all I have to say on the matter." He disappeared into the kitchen area to retrieve some tongs, and silently, he tended to the meal. Just before the meat was finished, he opened the foil to reveal some wild mushrooms he'd harvested, and after a few more minutes, he plated the food and doled out the dishes to his companions. "I hope you'll find this satisfactory," he said coolly and, taking his own plate, Hakkai sat down primly on a log opposite the other three. For several long seconds, he just stared across the fire at them, and then, his posture stiff, he began to eat.

It only took a few seconds before the others followed suit, everyone tucking into their food and obviously pleased to have a bit of variety in the menu. "Hey, this is pretty good! How'd you catch a turkey out here, Hakkai?" Goku asked.

"Quit asking stupid questions," Sanzo said. "There aren't any turkeys out here. It's probably a chicken."

"No, it's not chicken," Gojyo replied. "It looks like chicken, but this is way gamier."

"It's kind of stringy," Sanzo remarked, and then he held out a hand. "Hakkai, ketchup."

Hakkai glared daggers at Sanzo, then pasted on his most pleasant smile. "Of course." He retrieved the condiment bottle from one of the packs, and tossed it across the fire pit to the blond - probably with a bit more force than was truly required. "I'm so sorry it's not what you were hoping for. I was on a bit of a timeline, and I'm afraid I didn't have time to stew the meat. Next time, I'll try to keep your epicurean palate in mind."

"Don't be a smartass, Hakkai," Sanzo muttered irritably as he slathered his dinner with sauce.

"Well, _I_ think it's good, Hakkai," Goku said, hoping that would placate his friend. "I just wish there was more of it." He laughed. "Tasty, but tiny."

"Thank you, Goku." Hakkai looked down at his plate. "I'm afraid the source was limited. And after I gutted and dressed him, there wasn't quite as much meat there as I'd hoped." He brightened then, and flashed the other brunet a winsome smile. "Still, it's an excellent source of protein and should give you lots of energy!"

Sanzo and Gojyo both paused.

"He?" Sanzo asked hesitantly.

"Mmhmm," Hakkai replied.

"You're just saying you caught a male…pheasant, right? 'Cause they're bigger than the hens."

Hakkai shook his head, his smile widening. "Oh, this isn't pheasant."

Across the campfire, Sanzo and Gojyo exchanged concerned looks. "No way," Gojyo murmured to Sanzo as he vehemently shook his head. "There's no fucking way. I mean, yeah, I know he can sometimes be a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but he wouldn't. Not ever."

"Yeah, maybe…" Sanzo replied uncertainly.

"Ne, Hakkai?" Gojyo began, trying to sound casual. "Where's Hakuryuu? Aren't you going to feed him, too?"

"Huh?" Goku set his half-eaten plate down on the ground and looked up, suddenly very aware of the uncomfortable aura hanging in the air. "Yeah, where's Hakuryuu?"

Hakkai's smile went eerily wide. "Oh, I've got a gut feeling Hakuryuu's around here somewhere," he replied airily as he peered coyly up at the other two and licked the tip of his thumb. "Hm, I will have to remember to use this spice blend again in the future."

Sanzo's eyes went wide in shock, and couldn't stop the involuntary shiver that ran through him under the weight of that creepy expression. "You crazy bastard. What the hell did you do?"

Hakkai shrugged offhandedly. "I believe you told me to do whatever it takes to make this happen _or else_. So I made it happen. And given the level of complaint I received this morning, I assumed you all felt the same way."

"For fuck's sake, use some common sense, Hakkai!" Sanzo replied as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "You had to know damned well that I didn't mean…well, _that_."

"To me, whatever it takes means _whatever it takes_ , Sanzo. It's a little late for qualifiers now, don't you think?" Hakkai replied.

"But he's your pet!" Gojyo protested.

"Wait, what?" Goku exclaimed, the earnest golden eyes growing glassy. "Oh _hell_ no! Hakkai, how could you?" He looked down at his plate, dashed the back of his hand across his cheeks, and then looked back at the brunet. "I mean yeah, I always thought he looked tasty, but I was just kidding when I said that! I didn't _really_ want to eat him! No matter _how_ hungry I was!" Hurriedly, Goku got to his feet and snatched up his, Sanzo's and Gojyo's plates, clutching them tightly in his hands. Turning back to Hakkai, he said, "I'm sorry I _ever_ found out what he tasted like, and I wish he hadn't been so tasty! But we can't eat him! We just _can't_!" Pressing his lips together in determination, he tossed the three plates into the fire, looking utterly devastated.

"Hey!" Gojyo exclaimed indignantly. "There was other stuff on there I'd still have eaten!"

Ignoring the redhead, Goku sniffled softly, and then tightened his jaw, his lips pressing into a thin line. "There. It's not a proper burial, but it's better than being turned into...uh, it's just better."

Sanzo's attention shifted from Goku, to the fire, to Hakkai, and he narrowed his gaze. "So. How do you propose we get to India now?"

Hakkai slowly licked his lips and stared impassively back at Sanzo. "The gods gave us all two feet and a heartbeat, Sanzo. How do you suppose you'll manage it?"

Goku's eyes widened, and he dropped down onto his bottom on the ground next to Sanzo with a low groan. "Walk?" he moaned. "All the way to India? With no food? I'm seriously going to die."

Ignoring him, Sanzo reached for his gun and, after drawing back the hammer, he levelled it at Hakkai. "You asshole. I should kill you for this."

Even though Sanzo had taken aim between his eyes, Hakkai didn't flinch, though his gaze hardened further and a crooked smirk curved up one side of his mouth. "Kill me for feeding you? That would be rather hypocritical of you to punish me for doing exactly what you asked me to," he said evenly. As Sanzo mulled over his words, Hakkai watched as the barrel start to waver, and finally, with a disgusted snort, Sanzo decocked the revolver and put it away.

"Fucker. I'm leaving at dawn. You'd better be ready, or I'll put a bullet in you for real."

Hakkai's smirk widened and turned smugger. "As you wish, Sanzo," he replied, and grinning wickedly, he took another bite of his dinner.

Gojyo's mouth dropped open in a mixture of horror and disgust as he watched Hakkai strip the meat from the drumstick. "Dude, seriously? You're really going to eat that?"

Hakkai shrugged. "Of course. Why on earth wouldn't I?"

Gojyo exhaled slowly and shook his head as he reached for his cigarettes. "Shit man, that's cold."

Hakkai cocked his head to the side, and gave his friend an innocent smile. "How do you figure? It doesn't make sense to waste it."

"Hakkai, it's _Hakuryuu_!" Goku interjected. "After everything he's done for us, how can you eat him - _you_ \- and not feel bad at all?"

Hakkai's brow furrowed in thought as he wiped his hands on a paper towel. "Oh, I see. Yes, I agree that would be rather heartless of me, wouldn't it?"

"Duh! That's what I'm saying!"

"Hn." Hakkai picked up the remains of the carcass. There was still a good bit of meat at the thigh, and when he turned it over, he could see that there was a large piece of skin that was still attached and perfectly crispy. Holding it up between his thumb and forefinger, he whistled. A few seconds later, there was a soft rustling, and then Hakuryuu landed on his left shoulder with a cheerful _kyuu_. The dragon nuzzled his cheek, and Hakkai gave him a genuine smile as he returned the gesture, and then offered the leavings to his pet. Hakuryuu let out a shriek of delight, then flew up to perch on a branch and enjoy his meal. Ignoring the shocked looks from his companions, Hakkai licked a bit of grease from the tip of his index finger, and said, "Good thing I was eating grouse then, isn't it?"

"What? So that _wasn't_ Hakuryuu after all? " Goku glanced at the fire and groaned. "Maybe it's still good!" Crouching down, he poked at the coals with a stick. "Maybe I can catch a bit on the end here, and-"

Gojyo put a hand on Goku's shoulder and eased him back from the fire. "Leave it, Monkey. It's gone."

"That was a mean trick, Hakkai!" Goku huffed. "Telling us that it was Hakuryuu."

Hakkai laughed. "Now, now, Goku. I never once _said_ it was Hakuryuu. The three of you _assumed_ it was him. Nothing I told you was an untruth, but I think you maybe overreacted just a wee bit."

"You are a complete prick," Sanzo said.

"And you are ungrateful. All of you. I realize this is a bad situation, and I'm trying my best to make it as comfortable for everyone as I can, but I can't make something out of nothing, nor can I do everything. I can't cook and fish and hunt and forage and clean and do laundry and route plan all at the same time. Perhaps in the future, one of you will help me with food gathering. At the _very_ least, if you're going to complain, keep it to yourself because if things ever really got that desperate, I'd sacrifice any one of you before Hakuryuu. Besides, I'm not completely opposed to the idea of cannibalism, and I'm sure I could cauterize a limb before you bled to death. Probably."

There was shocked silence from the other three, and they watched as Hakkai, grinning like the devil, made his way to his lean-to to start cleaning up and breaking down things for the morning. Goku's mouth worked silently for a moment, and then he murmured to Gojyo and Sanzo, "He's just messing with us, right? I mean, he wouldn't _really_ do that, would he?" When he didn't get a reply, Goku glanced to where Hakkai was happily humming and scrubbing blood from his butcher's knife and cutting board. "Yeah, I'm not so sure, either." Goku watched Hakkai work for a few seconds more, and then reached for his crossword puzzle. With a sigh, he looked at all the different foods he'd entered into the grid, and he groaned when his stomach growled loudly. "Man! Hakkai? Is there _anything_ to eat? I'm starving!"

Hakkai looked up from his scrubbing, and he chuckled softly. "Well, there's no more meat or mushrooms, but if you're hungry, I believe there's an entire pot of grass soup simmering on the fire…"


End file.
